Jack and the Missing Rum
by peter-pan-equals-luv
Summary: Jack’s rum is gone! Follow him as he goes searching for his missing stash… Who knows what trouble and silliness will ensue? Non DMC!
1. Where has the rum gone?

**Disclaimer: Don't own anything… yet…**

**WARNING! This story is a result of sleep depredation (I have to reinstall a bunch of things into my computer and it's late at night…)! Forgive all the stupidity…**

_A cheep motel room, Tortuga_ (hm, don't think that's how you spell that…)_, late at night_

Jack Sparrow, sorry, CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow rolled over in his sleep, his lips moving silently in a song only he could hear. With a snort, he rolled over once again…

THUD!

Right out of his bed. With a grunt, he sat up and grabbed his aching head in an attempt to stop the world from spinning. When everything seemed to be normal, he let go and shook his head, as if making sure it would still work. He slowly stood up and looked around.

His eyes landed on a wooden chest under the window. His eyes lit up and a drunken grin spread across his face.

"Ah, the rum!"

With that, he lurched across the room. Once he reached the treasure chest, he happily sat on the floor and rubbed his hands together menacingly (well, it would look more menacing if he didn't look so happy… or so drunk). He gleefully opened the chest. He then shut the chest, his face no-so-happy. His eyebrow collided and he opened the chest again, as if he expected to see something he hadn't when he looked before. Once again, he closed the chest, a frown on his dirty face.

"But…" For once in his life, Captain Jack Sparrow was speechless.

A maid, a black girl appearing to be about 20, entered the room. "Housekeeping!"

"Where is the rum?" Jack asked, still sitting before the chest. "Why is the rum gone?"

"'Sucse me?" the girl asked, looking questioningly at Jack. He turned to her.

"My rum has gone." Jack said, looking like he was about to cry.

"Ah, well let me see if anyone has been up here lately." She stepped into the hall. "Gwen! Get over here!"

A small white girl, also about 20, raced to the other girls' side. "What is it, Jessie? I've other chores to do, ya know."

"Has anyone been in this room?" Jessie asked, squinting at the girl.

"Yea, some hairy guy and a skinny girl. Thought they was still up here. Never saw them come back down."

Jack looked at the window above his beloved chest. Come to think of it, he didn't remember leaving it open. Meanwhile, Jessie had dismissed Gwen. She walked over to the man on the floor. His eyes were squinted and he had a look of utmost concentration upon his face. Jessie shrugged and got to work on cleaning the filthy room Jack was currently occupying.

Suddenly, Jack jumped up. "I have it!" he shouted, scaring poor Jessie. Jack paid her no heed, a look of consideration on his face as he went around the room gathering his stuff and stowing it in his chest (a different one from the one that held the rum, mind you). Once he had finished, he turned to Jessie.

"I do believe my bill has been paid in full?" he asked. Jessie nodded.

"Good, good. Is there someone I could pay to get these two chest onto a ship?" Again, she nodded.

"Just ask one of the holsters. Whilst ye be need'n anything else?" she asked.

"No, no, I just need to get going. Thank you." With that, Jack fled the room. Once she was sure he was gone, she smirked.

"That'll teach him."

**A/N: Wow, that certainly wasn't my best stuff! Well, not bad for my first POTC:COTBP (wow, what a mouthful!) fic, no? Yes, yes, I know it was stupid. I did warn you! Mayhap I should stick to Harry Potter… **

**If you have any ideas for this story, by all means, tell them to me! Don't know if I'll even write more.**

_Preview for the next chapter:_

Jack visits some old friends!

And can you guess who says this:

**_"I burned it all, remember?"_**

_Cookies to those who do!_

**Nature's love,**

**JD**


	2. Back to Port Royal

-1**A/N: Wowzer! I got 2 reviews for this story! I so didn't think I would even get one. Well, this chapter is for **SenshiAlchemist**, who was not only my first reviewer (oh, how I love the people who are first to review!), but also gave me the idea for this chapter. Mucho luv! Also, thank you to scan, my second reviewer (I love you no less than the first reviewer, I promise).**

**Well, I was bored so I decided to write another chapter for all the comedy fans out there. (Yes, I know I'm not funny…)**

The Black Pearl docked at the… well, at the dock in Port Royal. Captain Jack Sparrow turned to his crew.

"You guys stay here. I won't be long." he told them authoritatively. With that he jumped down to the deck where a small 'welcoming' party awaited him.

Commodore Norrington stepped forward. When he spoke, it was only so that Jack could hear. "You're not suppose to be here!"

Jack stared at him. "But the rum! The rum is gone!"

"What!" Norrington glared at him furiously. "I give you one simple job! Protect the rum!"

"Well, apparently, some black guy and a hairy girl stole it."

Suddenly, a petite girl appeared beside Jack. She had freckled porcelain skin and long, curly-frizzy brown-black hair that was pulled back into a messy bun. She was dressed in black cotton breeches that were so wide they appeared to be skirts. Her green cotton shirt had short sleeves, showing her pale freckled arms. Her garments were wore, but well cared for. Not a speck of dirt nor a stain would ever dare to appear on her clothes. She looked to be about 16 years old. She was the perfect mixture of disarray and wisdom. Her name was Darla.

"No Jack! It was a hairy man and a skinny girl! Get it right." The girl said, hands on her hips, glaring at the drunken captain. Norrington's eyebrows collided as he stared at the girl.

"Who is _this_?" he asked, also glaring at the drunken man before him.

"Ah, that would be Darla. She's… er… Well, we don't know exactly who she is. She just kind of appeared on the ship about a month ago. She tells good stories, so we kept her around. Got a memory like an elephant, she does."

"Well, actually-" Darla started to say before Jack clapped a hand over her mouth. He grinned innocently at Norrington, who just stared at the girl.

"Full of useless facts as well."

"Indeed."

"Look, I know I'm not suppose to be here, but I just need to speak to Will and Elizabeth."

Norrington sighed and rubbed his temples. So much for hoping this would be an easy shift. "Fine. You have until nightfall to be out of the city."

Jack nodded and clasped his hands together and, with a bow, walked jauntily passed the guardsmen.

Darla sighed. "That man needs help."

Norrington looked at the girl and smirked. "And I suppose you're the one to give it to him?"

Darla looked at Norrington, two dark eyebrows almost hidden by her long fringe. "Well, we certainly can't leave it up to you, now can we?" she replied, smirking.

Norrington had just opened his mouth to reply when Jack rushed up.

"Sorry, forgot about her! Ta!" This time when he rushed off, he had Darla in tow.

Norrington sighed. "I want half the men to follow me to complete our rounds. The other half will stay here. No one is to leave the ship. If Mr. Sparrow isn't back by nightfall, send one man to me. We'll make sure he's found…"

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_Meanwhile…_

"Bloody hell, Jack! Why did you grab me so hard! I shall get bruises if you don't stop squeezing me so hard." Jack loosed the pressure on her arm, just barely. Agitated, Darla stopped in the middle of the street, refusing to move.

Also agitated, Jack turned to the young girl. "What is it?"

"Let go of me or I'll not move!"

Rolling his eyes, Jack complied. "There, happy?"

Darla smiled sweetly up at him. "Quite." With that, she started off down the street, leaving an grumbling Jack to follow her.

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_The Tuner Mansion, ten minutes later…_

"UNCLE JACK!" Twin girls came hurtling out of the house and collided with Jack's legs.

"Ah, my girls! How have you been? Have you been giving your mummy and daddy a hard time?" Jack said, detaching each three year old girl from his leg and bending down to their level. They threw their arms around his neck. He hugged them back.

Alexis and Alexandra Turner were the three year old twin children of Elizabeth and William Turner. Alexis was the splitting image of her mother and Alexandra shared many of Will's features. Their 'Uncle Jack' spoiled them rotten (as a good uncle should).

They let go of Jack's neck. "We've missed you! You've been gone so long!" They leaned in close and whispered in his ear. "We've been giving Mummy and Daddy a hard time just like you said. Do we get our presents?"

Jack frowned. "What makes you think I've brought you a present?" The girls' faces fell. "Well, I believe I have something in my bag for two young pirates. Do you know where I might find them?"

The girls' faces lit up. "We're pirates, we're pirates!" they shouted, jumping up and down. Jack grinned. "That's my girls." He then pulled out two boxes from his bag and handed them two the girls. It was then he noticed Elizabeth and Will standing in the doorway.

"Run along and open them later." He whispered to the girls. They nodded happily and noticed Darla standing by Jack.

"Who's she?" they asked.

"Ah, that's Darla." He leaned closer to the girls. "I think she has candy." he whispered. The girls' eyes lit up and they ran to Darla, asking for sweets. Darla glared at him.

'_I only have rum-filled treats!_' she mouthed to the idiot captain. His eyes lit up when she mentioned rum but he was distracted by Will clapping him on the shoulder.

"How have you been, old man?" Will asked, grinning. Jack narrowed his eyes.

"I'm not that old!"

"What ever you say, captain." Elizabeth replied as she came to her husbands side, grinning.

"What can we do you for?" Will asked, noticing the look on Jack's face.

"The rum… The rum is gone!"

"Well, of course it's gone! I blew it up, remember?" Elizabeth said, staring at Jack as if he had gone mental.

"No, no, not _that_ rum! Ah, never mind, I can't tear ye away from yer home to go looking for my stolen rum. I just wanted to drop in and say hi and see the girls. Well, I'm off on another adventure! This time to find my bloody rum…" With a smile and a salute, he turned from the young couple and called the girls over to him.

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_The Black Pearl, twenty minutes later…_

"I seem to recall something about rum-filled treats?" Jack asked, looking out over the rail of HIS ship. The girl beside him rolled her eyes and dug into her pocket, producing two large hunks of rum-filled-chocolate. The captain grinned and took the candy.

**A/N: Wow, I even got over a 1,000 words on this one!**


	3. Itches

**A/N:::::squeals with happiness: Moosk, you reviewed! Wow, I do believe that's, what, the second review I've ever gotten from you? I'm honored! SenshiAlchemist, thanks for reviewing again. Elvin BlueEyes, thank you for your review! I love you guys :tear:**

**Now, on to the next chapter!**

**Itches**

_The Black Pearl, just after sunrise…_

Captain Jack Sparrow was laying fast asleep on his hammock, dreaming about (what else?) rum. A blissful smile played across his dirty and hairy face.

"Jack!… Jack!…" The bottles of rum were now calling to him. He reached out his arms, wanting to clasp the bottles to his chest. His hands hit something soft and…

SMACK!

He was slapped across the face.

"Aaaaggggghhhh!" he screeched, falling out of his bed… er, hammock. He landed beside a pair of shiny, black-booted feet and a pair of dirty, brown-booted feet. Slowly, he looked up the brown boots to brown breeches and a white shirt into the face of the owner of the clothes. Sadly, the livid-with-rage face belonged to Anamaria. The black boots belonged to a smirking Darla.

With a groan, Jack hauled himself to his feet. "What?"

"Land-ho, _captain_." Anamaria spat, voice dripping with sarcasm.

Jack grimaced. "Right. Ready the boats."

Anamaria glared at him and, with a turn of her booted heel, stormed out of the room. Now it was Jack's turn to glare, this time at the small girl that was rummaging through his chest.

"Darla, what do you think your doing?" The girl turned around, a bundle of clothes in her arms.

"I was _trying _to find you some clean clothes, O scruffy captain of mine. However, I appear to be failing dismally." She smiled innocently at the irritated man sitting like a child on the floor. He grimaced at the fact that it was indeed true. He had no clean clothes on account of the fact that he hadn't done laundry in about a month.

Darla, however, looked magnificent in her brown cotton breeches and emerald green silk shirt. Her hazel eyes showed more green than brown, matching her outfit. Once again, her untidy hair was pulled back into a messy bun.

_Does she ever have a wrinkle? And where does she get all of her bloody clothes from? _Jack shook his head. It was too early to be contemplating the mystery of Darla.

Suddenly, a somewhat-clean white shirt and a pair of (also somewhat-clean) breeches were thrust into his line of sight.

"Put these on." Darla commanded. Glaring at the young minion that dared to interrupt his thought process, he hauled himself off the floor and grabbed the clothes. Then he practically shoved the girl out of his room.

"Hey! That's not fair!" she protested loudly. The crew looked up and saw the two of them. Jack turned a deep red and let go of Darla.

"Stay out of my rooms!" he whispered hotly to her. She smirked and walked over to Anamaria. She whispered something and both women burst into mad cackles.

Jack sighed and went back into his room to change into the clothes that Darla had laid out for him.

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_Ilsa de Stinky Feet, one week later…_

"Tell me again, why did it take us a week to get to a piece of land a mile away?" Jack asked Mr. Cottons' parrot as he scratched his leg.

"Anchor ho! SQWACK!" Mr. Cottons' parrot replied. Jack narrowed his eyes at the bird and scratched his elbow.

"Are you being pert with me!" Jack asked, outraged at the nerve of the bird, scratching his back.

"Wind in your sails! SQWACK!"

Jack screamed in frustration and stormed off, close to tears. He was sober, itchy, and tired. Mostly, he just wanted his rum. And for the itching to stop… WHY WOULDN'T THE ITCHING STOP!

He walked past a smirking Darla and Anamaria, scratching. Suddenly, he couldn't take it any more. "AGH! Why won't the itching stop!" Jack screamed. Darla and Anamaria could no longer hold in their giggles and burst into hysterical laughter. Jack turned to glare at them.

"This is your doing?" The girls laughter was answer enough for Jack. Suddenly, he got an itch in a place that he couldn't scratch. This only made the girls laugh harder as they watched him try to scratch the un-scratchable itch.

"What's the matter, captain? Do I give you an itch you can't scratch?" Darla said once she had caught her breath, causing Jack to glare at her, which, naturally, made her start laughing again.

"More like a itch that I would just _love_ to throw overboard." Jack snarled back, causing the girls to laugh even harder (if that was possible, as they were already on the ground, weak-kneed from laughing).

"It'll stop itching once you take a bath and put on some clean clothes," Mr. Gibbs told him. Jack turned his glare to the older man.

"Everyone's thinking it, I'm just saying." Mr. Gibbs shrugged and went to help the little short dude with something.

"My whole crew is against me!" Jack muttered, throwing up his hands and storming to his room.


	4. More itches and a meeting

-1**A/N: Everyone say thank you to SenshiAlchemist for the idea for this chapter.**

_Isla de Stinky Feet, another week later…_

"I thought you said the itching would stop if I took a bath." Jack asked Gibbs as he scratched his (rather adorable) bum.

"Aye, but I also said to clean your clothes," Gibbs retorted as he juggled the coconuts he was gathering.

"WHAT! I have to wash my clothes! I won't do it! You can't make me!" Jack screamed, running like a girl away from Gibbs.

He snorted. "He'll change his mind in another few days."

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_Isla de Stinky Feet, 3 hours later…_

A scream could be heard all across the island.

"AAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH! I can't take it anymore! Give me some soap!"

Within 5 minutes, every member of the crew was washing Jack's clothes and the wonderful captain himself was busy taking his second bath that year, and (coincidently) that week.

"Why are we doing his laundry?" one of the men asked, turning to Gibbs.

He opened his mouth to reply but was cut off by Anamaria. "Because he's a lazy bum."

"Ana, that's not fair." Gibbs turned to the questioner. "See, not a lot's known about Jack Sparrow…" Once again, he was cut off, this time by the short dude.

"Ah, not that story again!"

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Jack grumbled as he moodily scrubbed his body with some soap Darla had given him.

"Stupid itching… stupid soap… stupid… stupidness"

Jack rinsed himself off and put on some clean clothes. Suddenly, there was a noise in the foliage behind him. He quickly spun, which served him no other purpose but tripping him. With a groan, he sat up and rubbed his back.

"Stupid feet," he grumbled. He looked up and saw a olive skinned man in front of him. "Can I help you, mate?" Jack asked.

"What are you doing on my island?" the other man asked gruffly.

"Sorry, but did you say your island?" Jack inquired. The man nodded stiffly. "Ah, didn't know anyone owned this land. However, allow me to introduce meself." Jack stood up. "I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, savvy?"

The mans eyes narrowed. "I ask you again, what are you doing on my island?"

"Oh, erm, was just looking for the rum."

The man glared at Jack suspiciously. "What's rum?"

Jack screamed in frustration and stormed back to his crew.

**A/N: Had a bit of time to write the end of this chapter. Sorry I kept you waiting. And sorry it's so short. Not a lot of time in my life right now.**


	5. A funky Monkey

**Disclaimer: I don't Jay and Silent Bob.**

**A/N: Well, I was rereading the reviews for this story, which prompted me to reread the story itself, which in turn made me want to write another chapter.**

_The Black Pearl, yet another week later…_

CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow was busy explaining to the islander, yet again, what exactly rum was. The wonderful captain decided to give the man an education and invited him to join the Black Pearl when it set sail. The islander consented and here he was, once again at the mercy of Jack and his 'lecture' about what rum is. I mean, bloody hell, this was the fifth time this week… and it was only Monday!

"See, what rum _really_ is, is freedom. It's not just a bunch of ingredients in a bottle. That's what alcohol _needs_. What alcohol is, what rum is…"

"Jack, just shut up," Darla told him, upon hearing that poor Alex (the islander, that is) was being subjected to Jack's speech.

Jack looked up at the girl who had made him really itchy. Today she was dressed in a white cotton blouse and green silk breeches (the kind with the really wide legs). He squinted at the girl. "Darla, I've been meaning to ask… Where do you get all of your clothes?" By this time, Alex had managed to escape.

Darla looked at him solemnly. "Internet." With that she turned on her heal and walked away. She stood next to Anna. It didn't appear that she said anything, but after a moment, the pair started laughing.

Jack scowled at the lot of them and stormed to his room. What was the Internet?

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_The Black Pearl, one month later…_

Apparently, Alex didn't do well at sea and had a bad case of sea-sickness. Somehow, there wasn't enough room for him to sleep with the crew's cabin, so he ended up sleeping in the captain's suite with Jack. Jack managed to deal with it until one morning he work up to screeching. Groaning as he rolled over, he thought _This is the last bloody straw!_

He got out of the 'bed' and looked around for Alex to find that the only other occupant in the room was an orangutan. Jack grinned at the monkey and beckoned him over. The monkey shook his head and blew a raspberry at him.

Jack glared at the monkey, who, in response, started to do what would later be called 'the robot'.

Jack couldn't stop the smile that crept on his face. "That's one funky monkey."

"It's not a monkey," a voice in the doorway replied.

Jack looked up to see Darla standing there. "What?"

"It's not a monkey. An orangutan is a member of the great ape family."

"And just how do you know?"

"Internet."

With that, she turned on her heel and left the room.

"What the **bleep** is the Internet?"

**A/N: Well, I don't think this is any good, but whatever. Maybe I just need to be tired before I can write good funny stuff.**


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